The Kids are Alright

So the other day, CNN flew all the way from NYC to my sleepy suburb outside Toronto to interview my family about cosleeping. For two hours they filmed me, my husband and kids. Asked us a million questions about why and how we cosleep, and it all resulted in a 2 minute spot that really was completely useless to anyone watching. They used us (and a friend of mine) as an example of "Extreme Parenting". An "expert" claimed the practice of cosleeping after 2 years of age can be psychologically damaging and children need to learn independence.

Now, I expected that point of view. I know that people who do not cosleep don't "get" it. (And honestly, I find that most people who question it are not parents at all... ain't that always the way? People without kids always have the strongest opinions on how things "should" happen. Oh, you're so wrong.) And that's ok. So I'll tell you what I told them:

We started cosleeping out of desperation - our daughter wouldn't sleep without a warm body near her. She breastfed through the night and the idea of getting up and going to another room to feed her exhausted me. Next to me, she slept peacefully and happily and I found that waking to nurse her was easy and not disruptive to my sleep because I didn't have to get out of bed. We loved it and as she grew, she recognised that though she had her own room (and bed), she preferred snuggling us. When my son arrived, we started him in a bassinette but when he was hospitalised at 4 months for breathing issues, my Mom Paranoia went off the charts. I wanted him next to me so my obsessive breath-checking didn't disrupt me too much. So for a short time, there were four in the bed (and the Mommy one said, "Roll over, roll over"...). By 12 months, my son was waking often to nurse and I thought it was time he learned to sleep solidly. So my daughter and I sleep most nights in her bed while my husband stays with the baby. And the baby now sleeps for 12 solid hours every single night. My husband wakes to happy kisses from a little boy who spent the night snuggling his Daddy. I get to wake up to hugs and love from my daughter who doesn't get the attention during the day I'd like to spend with her thanks to a very active baby bro. It's our special girl-time, hidden in her cozy bunk bed.

It works for us. We like it. The kids like it. The kids are alright, Dr. Shapiro, I promise.

My daughter is independent, articulate, adventurous, friendly, she excels in school and is empathetic, patient and kind. She's also totally happy and confident sleeping on her own, but generously allows me to crash with her while we get her little brother's Big Boy Room completed.

My son (who is now just over a year) is much the same so far. He has no issues with separation anxiety and sure, he throws tantrums and loves him some one-year-old crocodile tears, but he also sleeps through the night. And that means we do, too.

So now that I've addressed the kids' issues, I know you're wondering about my husband and I, right? First, I'll tell you what I told them: it's none of your business how/if/where/when my husband and I have sex, but for the sake of educating people I'll briefly address this. We do. There are other places and times aside from right before you sleep, in your own bed. The kids go to sleep before us, and we have a house with plenty of appropriate locations. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

I don't care where other peoples' kids sleep. Cribs, beds, the floor...whatever works. I don't judge parenting choices or make sweeping judgements. I do what works for us, and I feel like if everyone did the same, the world would, well, be better-rested for a start.

The suggestion that sharing a sleeping space with kids can be damaging blows my mind. It wasn't till recent history that family members had separate beds, much less separate rooms. What a luxury! Rooms and beds for all! Other cultures have done it forever, this isn't something new. And what's more, it's not even uncommon. If your kid starts the night in their bed but arrives in yours...that's cosleeping. If you're sleeping in the same space, you're cosleeping. Talk about it and you'll find more people admitting it. It's become so taboo for some ridiculous reason that people are ashamed. How silly.

I am proud of the family we've created and know that I'll never, ever look back on the decision to cosleep as a bad one. I've tried out plenty of other parenting suggestions that I wish I'd never attempted but cosleeping is the most peaceful, rewarding choice we've made.

CNN came knockin', we did the talkin'

Instead of cluttering my Twitter feed with "It went well!", "Super fun!" and, "It'll air Friday!" here are the rather uninteresting details about my family's visit from CNN yesterday. The short story goes like this: I answered a tweet asking for families who are pro-cosleeping, I was put in touch with a producer from CNN, and three days later a producer, reporter and cameraman were in our house asking the finer details about our sleeping arrangements.

Our family cosleeps, and honestly it doesn't feel like very news-worthy stuff. The arrangement wasn't borne of an interest in attachment parenting (though we do happen to practice a lot of other AP things, coincidentally). It was borne of necessity. We couldn't get sleep, and cosleeping made our lives easier. And now that it's our normal routine, it's something we absolutely love and wouldn't change.

I'm not going to get into the debate surrounding bedsharing - I don't feel like there's any debate on my part. If it doesn't work for your family, fine. It works for mine.

Back to CNN. They asked questions about where we sleep, how it works for us, why we do it. They even asked how we find time (and space) for intimacy. We were candid, comfortable and honest about how this works for us, and why we're so happy. Another family was interviewed about their cosleeping practices, and I believe a doctor (the "expert", and no doubt the anti-cosleeping perspective) will be featured sometime on Friday on CNN in their parenting series. (I don't know the time yet.)

Really, if that's my 15 minutes of fame, I'm kinda miffed I wasted it chatting about my sleep and sex practices.

You say potato, I say mind your own &$%@ing business

We coslept with both our children.
I made their food from scratch.
We tried cloth diapering but ended up using disposables.
I breastfed my daughter till she was 26 months and my son is still breastfeeding at 13.5 months.
We feed the kids McDonald's food.
We're attachment parents.
We shop at chain stores and often choose cheaper prices over local.
We don't buy organic milk.
I sometimes yell at them. And I often apologize.
The kids watch tv, and movies.

What you choose for your children is your business and though I might not choose it for my own, it's none of my business and I've no intention of making it mine. Beyond clear abusive cases (and no, feeding your kids McDonald's isn't abusive), what happens in another person's family is nobody's business but their own.

It's fascinating to me (and telling of other peoples' insecurities) that there's so much interest in how other people parent. Be they "superior" Chinese parents (haaaaa, I've so enjoyed watching the debates about that!), super celebs whose kids have personal shoe-makers (I'm looking at you, Cruise family) or your average harried parent on a tight schedule (hey, that's me!), I would bet we're all just trying to do the best we can, the best way we know how.

Potato/potahto, it all means the same thing in the end.

Mirror, Mirror

I'm a member of a few online communities, have been for many years now. From them I've met some of my dearest friends, gone through the saddest and happiest moments of my life, and learned so much. For the most part, these communities are warm, embracing, supportive places of which I'm proud to be a member. We don't always agree, of course, but we talk about current events, share our lives, debate ideas, theories and above all else, we just chat. Endlessly.

One of the things I like most about the communities I'm part of is the wonderful esteem-boosting support they offer. If anyone's down, the ladies pick us up. Feeling unhappy with ourselves? They find the silver lining. Wake up angry at the world? They'll talk you down. They're full of compliments and positive energy. I've never felt prettier, or more accepting of my 35 year old body anywhere else. We discuss how we'll impart in our daughters the positive body image we wish we had. We talk about how we don't let on to our girls that we feel fat, or we don't like our hair or our legs or our anything. We're all beautiful! Our differences are our strength! Self esteem, rah-rah-rah!

And then something very strange happens.

We talk about celebrities and suddenly it's totally ok to tear down all the progress we've been making.

"I don't know what anyone sees in her! She's so ugly!"
"What the hell is she wearing THAT for? She's a cow."
"What, did she get new boobs for Christmas? What a slut."
"She needs to EAT, she's so skinny. Disgusting."

Um, what?

Look. I know it seems like celebs aren't real, but at the risk of sounding obvious here, they are. And the very same "institution" we've been working so hard to change is the same realm those celebs live in. Sitting around bashing their looks isn't going to change the way the media presents them, is it?

Positive body images, healthy self-esteem, reflections of realistic women, changing the way beauty is illustrated to our youth... it all begins at home. You'd never look at your mom, best friend or daughter and tell her she needed veneers or her dye job was bad or her cellulite was disgusting, right? No. Because we are all beautiful.

If we expect the world to respect us, it starts with us.

Mirror, mirror.

When I grow up

My daughter (who is 4) told me over breakfast today that when she grows up, she'll have, "A job. A real job. Like you!" A real job? Like me? I grew up with a Dad in a professional job that he worked up to (he had no post-secondary education, he was a lithographer to start) and a Mom who primarily stayed home with me but also held various jobs that worked around her family well. Before marriage she was a professional hair stylist and afterwards she was, at different times, a freelance reporter, photographer, educational assistant and, yes, an Arabic dance instructor. Growing up I wanted to be a children's author so badly, it was all-consuming. I wrote stories and books, went to university and majored in English with the intention of becoming an English prof... and then? And then I guess I changed my mind.

Out of university (after completing a second degree) I fell into a rather dead-end but decent-paying, flexible, mind-numbing job and still had plans to get my MBA. And then I turned into one giant cliché.

I got married. I had a baby. I left the traditional workforce. And now, four years later I'm still without that MBA and I'm still not looking for a traditional job.

My husband works in a demanding professional position that requires long hours, extreme dedication and regular immersive study periods while he takes professional exams. I love that he loves his job, but having him out of the house for upwards of 12 hours a day makes balancing our home, the kids and my company extremely difficult.

My two kids (and husband) share me with a small business I started when my daughter was just a year old. Something that began as a fun craft morphed into a well-known, successful business because I poured every bit of my heart and soul into every aspect of its growth and development. We're still small, but the growth of this business over the last year in particular has been staggering and rather hard to keep up with.

To hear my little girl say she wants a "real" job like mine chokes me up. She knows most people leave the home and go off to places of work, she's well aware of the multitude of options she has for careers and work, but she's choosing something like me? Really? Even though I so often feel neglectful, torn and pulled in a thousand directions by this job? This certainly wasn't what I pictured myself doing when I grew up.

It's often I feel like people don't take my job seriously because a) it's home-based and b) I own the company. But the reality is that while my children play around me, I am developing new products, managing my staff, doing accounting, planning new lines, doing my best to advertise in the most cost-effective ways possible... and it's more than a full-time committment. I question my motives (and sanity) on a regular basis.

And to hear that my little girl wants to be at all like me when she grows up makes this whole crazy journey so, so worth it.